Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday

For the original Totally Awkward Tuesday, visit Tova Darling.

I have to give a shout out to Mjenks and his birthday post to his wife and daughter that is totally not family friendly! When I read that, it made me remember this little incident.

I had been dating a guy I'll call RJ (the R standing for Redneck) for about 9 months when he asked me to marry him. Even though he was pretty rough around the edges, I thought I was in love with him. He and my two year old son were definitely in love with each other, that sweetened the deal. I was living with my sister at the time, so when one of his father's rental properties opened up in the next town the next logical step seemed to be for us to move in together.

I loved the house we moved into, which was actually a little shit hole, but it was out in the middle of nowhere. The yard backed right into a huge state park, where it was not unusual for deer and coyotes to wander through, and you couldn't see or hear the neighbors because the houses were spaced so far apart. We even had moose and black bear sightings in our town. I'm a city girl, it took a little getting used to.

When I say RJ was a redneck, I'm not joking. He was a tobacco chewin', beer drinkin', gun totin', big truck drivin', gramatically challenged, pee off the back deck kind of guy. His parents had worked hard and made some money, but they were also salt of the earth, just plain nice people. I really liked them, and his sisters, and they welcomed me and my son into their family with open arms.

The night we moved in, his parents came over with a plant and some beer, making sure everything went smoothly for us. I thought that was really kind. RJ's friends had helped us move, and then we went to a local pub where we paid them back in beer and pub food. I had an overnight sitter and didn't have to be anywhere too early the next day. We were too tired the night of the move
, and possibly too inebriated, to christen the house properly. That wasn't the case when we woke up the next morning.

We started doing the things a young couple does the first morning in their new home when they have an overnight sitter and the whole house to themselves. And because we were alone for possibly the first time ever, we didn't bother closing the bedroom door or being particularly quiet about what we were doing. Until I heard a noise. Not a being in the middle of the woods noise, a noise inside the house.

"RJ, did you hear that?" He was too busy, and hadn't heard anything. He got me to focus again on the task at hand for a short while until I heard the noise again. "RJ, I swear I heard something!" He tried to convince me it was just the cats, but I knew my cats weren't heavy enough to make the stairs leading up from the locked front door into the living area creak. The mood was lost for me and I made him get up to investigate. I had images of bears in our living room, or at the very least rabid raccoons who could manipulate a locked door.

The first thing RJ did was check the bedroom window that looked out on the driveway. He looked at me all confused and said, "my father's truck is in the driveway". I threw on a bathrobe and went out into the hallway leading to the living area - sure enough there was his father standing at the top of the stairs with a big shit-eatin' grin on his face.

RJ trailed behind me in his boxers and we exchanged good-mornings. RJ and his father were now both wearing shit-eatin' grins - my face was an unusual shade of pink. I offered his father a cup of coffee, but he just held up his hand that already had a Dunkin' Donuts cup in it. He said he was just stopping by to make sure things had gone okay with the move, which I was pretty sure we had already established the evening before. He said that he had knocked on the door, but we obviously didn't hear it. And then he just stood there grinning at us. When the silence and awkwardness threatened to become overbearing, I announced I was headed for the shower and turned and walked back down the hallway.

I heard RJ and his father saying goodbye, and his father walking down the stairs. Then I heard what I assumed was the front door opening. My mortification quickly turned to anger - I don't if any of you know, but I have a little bit of a temper.

I whipped open the bathroom door and confronted RJ with "You have to nip this in the bud, NOW! Just because he has a key DOES NOT mean he has the right to let himself in when he knocks on the door and doesn't get an answer! For God's sake, it's 9:00 on a Saturday morning! We have a right to our privacy! How long was he standing there listening to us having sex after letting himself into our house - And Still Didn't Leave?! Dude, that's weird! I will not live like this, wondering when your parents are just going to let themselves in to our home! You had better take care of this, or I will!"

RJ just stared at me open mouthed while I again heard a door downstairs open and close. RJ knew, but hadn't gotten the chance to tell me that his father was going into the basement to check the dehumidifier before he left. So, he not only heard us having sex, he heard me totally bitch his son out about him.

It was awkward in the extreme at the time, and especially awkward at every gathering after that as they made it the running family joke. His parents never showed up without calling first after that.


mo.stoneskin said...

Well that certainly wins the awkward prize.

Our parents always ring when we are at it.

*ring ring*

"It'll be your mum"

"Just ignore it"

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Why does she always ring?"

Shana said...

I would have been furious as well. It was probably best that the dad heard you say what you did because if RJ thought it was as funny as his father, he certainly wouldn't have told him. And to turn it into a family joke?? oh boy. I am wondering how long that relationship lasted??

Fancy Schmancy said...

Mo, your MIL has daughter sex radar that apparently didn't turn off when she got married.

Shana, I moved out less than a year later.

Scope said...

He = Redneck
You = Redfaced
Dad = Redtarded (a condition exclusively limited to describing the social graces and degree of couthness of certain rednecks and is not to be confused with any similar sounding terms.)

Some Guy said...

Be thankful the dad wasn't holding a video camera.

Lady Jane said...

um...yeah...awkward! However, being redneck they probably into that sort of thing...just sayin'

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Nicely done. Nicely done.

but, did they ask if they were interrupting anything when they called?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Sounds eerily like he enjoyed it???


Raine said...

Totally awkward, indeed! And totally inappropriate for the dad. He definately should have left the moment he knew what was going on. I would have flipped out too.

Jodi said...

Still probably makes your ears hot just to think about it doesn't it!

Claire said...

i would have shriveled up and died right on the spot. ha. thanks for sharing!!

BeckEye said...

Huh! And I always thought the "I knocked but no one answered so I just let myself in" routine only happened in the movies.

Aunt Becky said...

Oh sweet merciful Jesus. Totes embarrassing.

Ebony Haywood said...

Omg. Kudos to you.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Dude, I didn't laugh at all. Much. Maybe a tiny bit. Or a lot. Haha, I'm still laughing. How HORRIBLE! But really. HAHAHA!!!!!

In other news, that IS rude, just letting himself in like that. Now if you'll excuse me I have some guffawing to do.

JoJo said...

Open mouth, insert foot. hahahahaha

Hey, are we EVER going to get Part 12 of the Dear Jon story?

Cora said...

Oh God! My FIL walked in on me and my husband once. Just walked right into the house without even knocking. Then he started walking down our hall towards our bedroom with the door open as we were leaping off the bed and getting dressed as fast as humanly possible. My FIL was a redneck too. Think it's a redneck tradition to just walk into someone else's house?! Yikes.

Judi said...

OK. You definitely score points on story-telling. And while yes, awkward, the word infuriating came to my mind. I could totally identify with your rant at Redneck RJ. Also, kudos to you for later moving out. You ROCK.

Char said...

Oh wow. That had to be sooo embarrassing for you. So you got out of that relationship?

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