Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Monkey Cuddles

I was flipping through a magazine at work today when I came across this hideous monstrosity. They label it "a delightful achievement in miniature art!" and are actually trying to sell it to people for real money. I personally think it's one of the ugliest fucking things I've ever seen. It's not even so ugly that it's cute, it's just ugly. As in U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly (what-what?), you ugly.

You judge for yourself. I present to you Monkey Cuddles from the Just a Little Monkey Business miniature monkey figure collection:

Need a close-up?

But wait, there's more, and they are even fucking uglier if that is possible.

Note that "This figure is not a toy. It is a fine collectible to be enjoyed by adult collectors.". I'm going to let the fine collectible part slide and go right to the part about the adult collectors. That is because they will scare the crap out of your children and quite possibly scar them for life! "You'd better behave little Suzie, or mommy will send Monkey Nibbles in to your room after you fall asleep! He may look innocent, but he'll rip off your face just like Travis the Chimp!"

If I haven't dissuaded you and you still have to have it (Gwen and WhiskeyMarie, I'm looking straight at both of you. Well, maybe one eye on each of you.), they can be yours for just $19.99. Each. Be sure to order now because The Ashton-Drake Galleries assures me that they are available for a limited time only and demand is expected to be great. Unfortunately, the magazine I ripped this page out of is from last September. I'm certain they're all gone by now. Or not.


kate said...


I am scarred for life!!!!

jadedj said...

Jesus, the damned thing has some skin condition. Don't do this again.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I actually splurted soda on myself when I saw that. They're right though, it's not a toy IT'S AN ABOMINATION FROM JESUS! :)

That is hilarious. That would scare small children and keep bigger ones off your lawn. It's like a troll mated with a deformed crack-baby, producing that and the baby then had a skin graft.

Cora said...

*LOL @ Veggie!!*

People collect some weird shit. These are hideous! Can you imagine sitting in someone's house where they have hundreds of the creepy little buggers staring at you from shelves around the room?


Not that I have any business criticizing - i have some UGLY crap in my house too. Ever seen Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? You know Dobby the House Elf? Yeah, I own him. I have a lifesized figure of him in my living room. Amazingly, after sitting in my living room and seeing that, Scope STILL loves me and didn't run away screaming!!!! Crazy, huh?!


Mr. Condescending said...

they should throw those things into the burner of the amish heaters.

Lady Jane said...

What the hell?? I would like to see the person that actually ordered this!! Cause there is no way they are way

Dr Zibbs said...

That is a nice keepsake.!

Char said...

I am sooo glad I have never seen these, and if you have one, please don't ever talk to me again.

Scope said...

Is that the "Mary Kate" or the "Ashley"?

And Cora, I was relieved that you had some far out stuff at your place. I then knew that you wouldn't blink twice at the occasional gargoyle sitting around here.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Kate, that's exactly what I thought when I flipped to this page. I almost dropped the magazine.

Jadedj, I think that skin condition is called "faux fur".

Veggie, I almost splurted soda on myself at your comment! I think you just insulted deformed crack babies everywhere. You left out the part about the cheese danishes for ears.

Cora, like I said, that is some True Love right there!

Mr. Condescending, do they have Amish heaters in Taiwan? Cause if they were made in the USA they would probably be 4 easy installments of $19.99.

Lady Jane, I'm absolutely certain that either Gwen or WhiskeyMarie, if not both of them, will want these. And that is why I love them! Gwen and Whiskey, that is, not the monkeys.

Zibbs, you are twisted. And that is why I love YOU.

Char, trust me when I say you can continue talking to me.

Scope, my dog had to come running to see what I was laughing so hard about. That one is going up for best comment of the year at Grant Miller Media next December! Also, you and Cora = 2 peas in an asymmetrical pod.

Cora said...

@ Scope: I love the gargoyles!! :-)

Whiskeymarie said...

Okay, I think you have found the ONE monkey-themed thing that even I wouldn't want.

Their eyes look like they're going to steal my soul.

Fancy Schmancy said...

WM: I wouldn't put it past them to be the Chucky of the little monkey miniature collectibles.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

People love ugly shit!

But that thing? I'm with jadedj-the skin disorder is not cute AT ALL!!!

Srg said...

Those have to be the butt-ugliest things I've ever seen!

Jocelyn said...

M-A-M-A, that's how you got that way, yo mama! Hey! Hey! Yo mama!!

Yesh! Way ugly but the orangutans were cute.

4Blackburn's said...

Those are SO weird looking....I can't believe someone would buy those! They look half monkey half human baby. I mean really who comes up with this stuff????

mo.stoneskin said...

My goodness. I have never seen anything so sick. Sure, the fact that I have always had a bit of a phobia of dolls and all things plastic (it's the eyes that get me) I would hate something like these. Ugh. I'm tempted to start a one man crusade to rid the world of these horrible beasts.

Trooper Thorn said...

I think if you wanted out of whatever relationship you were in (marriage, roommate, workplace or parent of child who won't move out), starting a collection of "Monkey Cuddles" is the perfect way to get rid of a partner if you don't like confrontation.

JoJo said...

EWWWWWWWW!!!!! Those things are friggin CREEPY!!!!!!! It's bad enough that I don't like apes/monkeys to begin with. So if I have bad dreams tonite I know who to blame! lol

Shana said...

you are funny!!
I like you!!

Nej said...

No, no, no! Those things are just plain freaky. The close up really did it for me. They are hairy!!!