I left off on Labor Day, 2001 for a reason. The rest of the story is really hard for me to write about. I've started having nightmares again, and am having trouble sleeping period. There is no gore, no crimes committed, no physical abuse or anything like that involved. These are things that I need to personally confront, crimes against myself if you will. Crimes that I committed morally against other people, most especially my own child.
It is difficult because I have basically never spoken to anyone about this period of my life. My family and I have never really talked about it again, except to nod our heads knowingly about "that time when I was sick". So to talk about it in a public forum is unusual, but reliving it personally is even more so. I have been stuffing it down inside of me for so long that I'm not sure how to react to memories as they are popping up. My past mantra when the memories came was, "it's over, let it go; it's over, let it go". Deliberately delving into the memories is a whole different beast.
It's like picking at a long gone scab, which is now just an ugly scar, trying to make it bleed again. I know for a fact that the scar is never going to go away, it is a part of who I am. But maybe if I make it bleed again, it will this time get rid of the infection festering just under the surface.
To that end, I need to say that Jon wasn't completely the bad guy that I have painted him to be. Obviously, or I wouldn't have loved him with the devotion that I did - obviously, neither would his wife. He was beyond charming and had unbelievably redeeming qualities.
Of course, so did Ted Bundy.
I've come to view Jon in the only way that I can and still retain my sanity. That is as an incredibly lovable sociopath. Not the kind that kills and eats people, but a sociopath all the same. That is the only way I can rationalize my behavior with this man. Read more on that link if you are interested in the psychology of a sociopath. It thoerizes that,
"The main characteristic of a sociopath is a disregard for the rights of others. Sociopaths are also unable to conform to what society defines as a normal personality. Antisocial tendencies are a big part of the sociopath’s personality. This pattern usually comes into evidence around the age of 15. If it is not treated, it can develop into adulthood.
Visible symptoms include physical aggression and the inability to hold down a steady job. The sociopath also finds it hard to sustain relationships and shows a lack of regret in his or her actions. A major personality behavior trait is the violation of the rights of others. This can appear as a disregard for the physical or sexual well being of another.
Although these symptoms are all present, they may not always be evident. Research has shown that the sociopath is usually a person with an abundance of charm and wit. He or she may appear friendly and considerate, but these attributes are usually superficial. They are used as a way of blinding the other person to the personal agenda behind the sociopath’s behaviour."I should have realized that the two people I was closest to in my life hated him with reason - my best friend-sister, Kouf, and my best friend-cousin, Jenni. (Jenni was living with me at the time.) And Jon hated them both back, with a passion.
Have you ever heard of an abuser's method of starting out slowly alienating the people close to "the victim"? Well, these two stayed in the game for a long time, and I'm so thankful for that! At the same time, I have a hard time labeling myself as the "victim". For fuck's sake, I was so totally in love with this guy that I willingly put my love for him before the love and welfare of my child.
I was so messed up, I'd like to say I didn't know what I was doing, but that would be a blatant cop-out. Right now, I'm all about trying to take responsibility for this hot mess.
I'll post more about what happened when I'm ready and able. If you made it this far through the post, thanks.