Stations of the Cross, Disney/Pixar style

My son went to Catholic school at the same school from grades K-8. That school was walking distance from the church of the same name, so he was used to going to the church for mass during school days for special occasions. This is his first year at Catholic high school, and they do things a little differently. They usually have one of the priests from any of the Catholic churches in the area come to the high school, and have masses in the auditorium.

He had told me that the majority of school this past Wednesday was going to be mass. He was not prepared for the school's attempt to reach out the children in a way that can only be described as creative.

When I asked after school on Wednesday how his day had gone, he started describing it in detail, and I was laughing so hard I literally had tears rolling down my face and thought I was going to pee my pants. I asked him to write it down for me. Here in his own words, my son describes his high school assembly for the upcoming Holy Weekend. I'll interject where need be.

Oh God how do I write this all down. Day starts with homeroom, and they want the "function" right before all classes so we'll pay even less attention. Good call. So, they call us class room by class room down to the auditorium, and dim the lights soon after I get there.


A staff member, maybe the leader of campus ministry, steps up and tells us to be respectful and quiet just like we should be for mass. Then a peer minister steps up and says things, and the stage opens up. Some very big senior I had never seen before is walking around the stage in circles towing some kind of wagon. It was probably one of those red wagons that I looooooooved as a kid. I couldn't pay attention and tried to sleep.


I'm hearing tidbits, and from what I can gather, the senior was supposed to be Jesus. He would creep up on people who looked like they were homeless or in need of pity and take their rags, or something. Really weird. In the end Jesus lays on a hill next to a garbage dump and dies. This always happens when I don't pay attention.

So, they get down, people start clapping, and I hear some kind of Christian rock music. Campus ministry made some kind of movie for the stations of the cross, apparently. They would have the station, a clip from a movie, and some kind of reflection. What I heard next excited me enough that I didn't try sleeping anymore.

They started playing Mulan for the first clip. The first clip is like, Jesus getting condemned by Pilot (Pontius Pilate). How does Mulan using those metal things to climb the pole have anything to do with Jesus? And you thought I didn't take my faith very seriously.

I don't know any other stations really, or in order, but they played scenes from: Cinderella, Toy Story (he told me it was the scene where Buzz Lightyear jumps from the window), some movie with Robin Williams and people stand on the table and stand up for him or something (I think he's talkiing about Dead Poet's Society), Narnia, Harry Potter, the death scene from Lion King with the stampede, Dumbo, The Green Mile. Oh, and Rocky. Rocky. I mean, he loses in that movie, what the hell?

In the end, I learned that nine years of monotonous repeating of the stations in the gym still hasn't taught me them, and Disney can make even the son of God dying fun.

Oh, btw, can you drive me to Best Buy? The one nearest to us, of course, was out of stock of these bitchin' ear buds I found on their site. Think of it as a repayment for a blog post, or something. (note: he paid for them himself)

I don't know, people. Hilarious, Blasphemous, or Sacrilege?

If I don't talk to you before then, Happy Easter. May the bunny, and Jesus, be good to you all.