Thursday, April 2, 2009

Ode to my alarm clock

I hate you with the passion of one thousand fiery deaths.

I hate that some mornings you wake me out of my peaceful slumber with no warning, just a loud intrusion into my dreamworld.

I also hate the times that I awake in the middle of the night and you mock me with how many hours I have left until you start braying your bad news.

I understand on some logical level that it is not your fault that I hate getting up in the morning. I truly do realize that my hating to have to work for a living and also get my son to school has never been the responsibility of any alarm clock, or inanimate object. It is just so easy to blame you.

Sometimes I know that you try to make up for it by offering obscure songs that I like to awaken me, sometimes you offer news and weather. When will you realize that no matter what you offer, I'm just not that into you?


Scope said...

What if it where to make you coffee and eggs like the clock at the begining of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang"?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If my alarm clock were to offer me coffee and fellatio, I'd be more grateful.

However, as it stands, it simply offers me the first note of the Star Wars theme song, because, honestly, cranked up loud enough, that shit scares me awake.

It's like:

Clock: "DUHN!!!"
Me: "Ohmigodohmigodohmigod!!!! I'm up, I'm up, I'm awake...ah, man, I just Wookieed in my pajamas."

Dr Zibbs said...

I hate when I wake up at the same time on the weekend them I can't get back to sleep.

Really hate that.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

My alarm clock's an asshole. The only reason I let him hang around is that I really like his brother, Mr. Snooze Button.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Scope, yes, tea and eggs would be lovely!

mjenks, "coffee and fellatio" were funny to begin with, but "I just Wookied in my pajamas" may be the best line you've ever come up with.

Zibbs, I hate that too, I try not to look at the clock on the weekends and let my body do it's thing.

Candy, I really like his brother, too! He probably doesn't like me based on how much I hit him, but whatevs.

JoJo said...

I fantasize about smashing mine to bits with my mini Tacoma Rainiers baseball bat...