I'm going to skip around the reading because, although I know that he wrote it in the order of the cards, certain paragraphs belong together, and certain paragraphs are just too large for one post. Sorry if this little epic becomes too much or too deep for you. Feel free to come back another time to look at pretty pictures, or be bored by me writing about my kid.
I happen to really like this paragraph, even though I'm having trouble making any sense of it.
In all of your experiences be very aware and knowing that your being offers a very deep aspect of compassion and healing. With this hand of compassion and healing you must always touch yourself first and care for and love yourself before you move on to others. You can not give what you do not first experience and therefore the compassion you feel and the healing you have must precede moving on to doing or giving to others. When we try to do for others first most disappointments not only arise but often move in for extended periods of time. So therefore self caring is foremost in importance. This spiritual level ability/gift reaches out to others in building/rebuilding bridges of harmony in lives and experiences. The orchestra that couldn’t create song now plays in harmony with your touch of compassion and healing. You can and do create rainbows.
I can and do create rainbows? I understand what he's saying about trying to heal myself. I'm pretty broken, but not as broken as I was. I don't see myself as compassionate, at all. I'm exceedingly selfish, and most of the time I'm just not a very nice person. I'm impatient, I'm angry, I'm negative, and I just don't care. Maybe that's it, what I need to work on. I remember someone once telling me that in order to have a better attitude, and be a positive person, I needed to concentrate more on only having a positive attitude and positive thoughts. And I remember thinking, "Fuck That".
Maybe I just give up and give in too easily, because it's easier to be negative and nasty. Is it easier to be that way because that is who I truly am? Can people change? Can I change? Do I want to? Do I even care?
I remember a time when I used to think so. I remember a time when I used to think that God would not ever give me more than I could handle. That was before I started thinking that maybe God hated me, that I had done something so grievous in a previous life that God was making me suffer in this life for it. I remember a time when I thought the world could be made better one person at a time, and I would be one of those people. I remember my family rolling their eyes at me every time I said, "be kind", like it was my mantra. I remember a time that I thought I could create rainbows, but I don't remember the exact point where I let the world start beating me into the cynic that I am now.
So very much to think about, and I haven't even gotten to the meat of the email, yet.
22 hours ago