Tuesday, January 26, 2010

1440 minutes

Morning... I've never been a big fan. Not like this. Not while it's still dark and having to face the day exhausted, waking already weary. I thought I was going to feel better once I gave up the daily drinking habit. Almost 100 days in and I still feel like crap.

I feed the soda machine a dollar to appease the caffeine gods. To stay awake during the day light. Just filling the hours of boredom and collecting a paycheck. There is no joy in this, just mechanical existence. I barely tolerate the irritations of other people, barely tolerate myself. I am more socially awkward than ever.

Feeling alternately more angry, resentful and depressed by the day. Struggling with the need to blame someone. Everything can be blamed on someone from a lousy childhood to a dirty kitchen floor. Assigning blame doesn't make me feel better. The black void is opening ever wider and I don't know how to fill it. I'm sick of pretending to be someone or something I am not, but I'm no longer sure of who I am. Was alcohol my identity all this time?

Early evening... The sun starts to set outside the kitchen window while I do dishes. I stare out as the skyline deepens to golds and pinks. The soft colors prick at my loneliness. My loneliness is not always something that can be alleviated by the comfort of other people. Often the presence of others makes me feel more lonely. Like there is a wall between us that I'm not capable of breaching. My loneliness is a deeper need, the black void, this hole in my guts.

I've been feeding the hole with everything I can think of, except alcohol. I've been stuffing it with food and sweets, computer games and mindless sitcoms. I've tried numbing it's gaping maw with the marijuana maintenance plan. It all works for a while, but it only slows the hunger. Nothing I've found so far makes it go away. I chant self help mantras and light scented candles against the darkness.

"I will not drink, I do not drink anymore, I will never drink again" I repeat to myself as the beastly cravings crash over me. Some days are much easier than others, some days I just have to white knuckle it. I've lasted longer this time than any other, I know it's permanent. But that doesn't stop the beast inside of me from trying. It tries to trick me into finding myself drunk again and wondering how I got there. It tries to convince me it would be easier to give up and give in. To feed the wound inside with alcohol and make it go away. I resist, I fight it.

I figuratively gnash my teeth and dig my heels in. "You will not win!" I say to it. "I will beat you this time!" I scream. "I will do something right!" I cry. The tears I cannot shed threaten to drown me in self-doubt, frustration and self-pity. I seek the solace of my dreams and pray that tomorrow I will find relief. Only 1440 minutes until I can go to sleep again.

23 comments:

mo.stoneskin said...

Wow. Not quite sure what to say. You keep fighting girl, I'm proud of you! And hey, you've been missed.

Jocelyn said...

What mo.stoneskin said....So that is where you have been. It's good to see you. Keep up the good work, YOU are worth it.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Mo, no need to say anything, I just needed to get that out. I missed you guys, too!

Jocelyn, it's good to see you, too. Yeah, that's where I've been, mostly playing stupid games on facebook. I couldn't talk about it for a while, wasn't sure how to bring it up after not blogging for so long. This has been brewing in me for a little while and came out today for some reason.

It's really not all doom and gloom. Just takes a lot of getting used to.

JoJo said...

WELCOME BACK! I was going to email you this week to see how you have been doing, as I miss you. I'm so sorry that you've been going thru some dark times during your recovery.

Have you thought about seeking the support of a 12 step program?

Personally I'm a proponent of the marijuana maintenance plan. lol ;p

I'm so glad you are back.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Jo, I'm not a fan of AA, it doesn't work for me. I hate it, actually. I'm trying something different called Rational Recovery. There's only so much a program can do for you, anyway. You have to work it yourself.

Paige said...

You are doing great! Keep up the good work--every day is a new day

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hey miss Fancy. Wow, you have a struggle going on, I can see, but I know you can do it. You are determined and defiant and I think you have it by the throat. Good luck with everything.

Dr Zibbs said...

You ARE alive. Good to hear from you.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Thanks, Paige and Veggie. Most days aren't that bad. Thanks for good thoughts!

Zibbsy, how YOU doin?

Raine said...

Im glad you are back - I worried about you.

You are strong - you can do anything!

Shana said...

Wondered where you've been.
Keep up the fight.

Char said...

You are strong and you will make it. Just hang in there. Take care.
xoxo

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Fance, we missed you.
You are strong and you are a survivor and you will conquer this, of that I have no doubt.

Hold tight girl. I'm rooting for you.
xoxo

Sass said...

So very proud of you...

And have missed you.

Sheri said...

Fancy, check out the blog called Baby on Bored. It isn't what it sounds like and you may find some strength there. Welcome back....you have been missed.

Jacquie said...

Welcome Back Fancy! It's been a long wait from September to January, but I checked on you every day. I knew you would be back. I also know you can do this!!!

Whiskeymarie said...

Sorry I'm so late here, Fancypants.

It's hard to see someone struggle- I hope that the black clouds have lifted a bit for you. You deserve to be happy and I'm rooting for you the whole way, toots.

Jodi said...

Glad to see you back Fancy. Hope you'll keep posting - it's great therapy and sometimes, one of us stalkers might actually say something that could help or at the very least, make you laugh!

LegalMist said...

Can't believe I missed this when you posted it.

I hope things are getting easier, better, less lonely for you.

Naomi said...

At least once a day I remind myself that I'm making a conscious choice not to drink. It's tough. It's better for me now...prob helps that after my daughter my body chemistry changed so I can't drink a 2L bottle of vodka and be sober, I actually get sick to my stomach very quickly and no happy buzz. Hang in there.

Prunella Jones said...

Hey Fancy,

I hear you, girl. I've been down that road myself with drugs. It sucks. I hope you are doing better now. Here is a quote from Bill Hicks that helps me put things in perspective. I hope it helps you too.

"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride...” But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus - murdered; Martin Luther King - murdered; Malcolm X - murdered; Gandhi - murdered; John Lennon - murdered; Reagan... wounded. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."

It's just a ride, sis. One that often makes us dizzy and throw up, but it's still only a ride. No need to fret.

Dr Zibbs said...

Look at you commenting on a blog over at Words Words Words.

MP said...

i just read this.. i'm starting to blog again and looking to see who is out there blogging still.. i want to hug you through the computer.. this was an awesome blog post.. your heart is in print...
i found in my blog when I first "found you".. and our blogs met.. it was September 2008
<3 you