Tarot reading, part 3

Here's the next part of the long distance tarot card reading I received. If you missed parts one and two, and care to, clicky the linkies.

The tarot cards have cards dealing with things on the earth/material plane, the emotional plane, the spiritual plane and the mental plane. In addition there are major arcana cards dealing with deep characteristics/traits we build upon. Your reading continues with a major arcana card which is the emperor card. This deals with a trait that is at your foundation in which you have a deep belief/connection to/from childhood and which you have built upon during your life. This character trait developed in childhood from your emotional feelings and it’s important to know it came from an emotional basis.

The trait contained within the emperor card is one of having the ability/drive to develop and maintain your empire. What I get is that this for you means the development of your life concerning home, finances, safety, security and growth. Many times emotions experienced in your childhood told you not to depend on someone else to help you do this or to supply it for you. So you moved ahead in adult life knowing you would supply shelter, food and clothing along with security, safety and an atmosphere conducive for growth for yourself and those in your family. It is something that adds to a great deal of strength/need for independence. This is a male energy trait and exists well with your female energy traits of giving and receiving compassion and love.

Wow, this is dead on accurate. You may have heard me say that I was raised by wolves. It's not far from the truth. I have major issues from my childhood, as do most people. I can recognize that certain behaviors of mine stem from certain circumstances surrounding my upbringing, and I'm pretty much okay with that. I'm a firm believer that at some point as an adult you have to stand up and take responsibility for yourself and your actions, and I do try to do that. But I have issues with myself that I'm unable to resolve. How can I be so fiercely independent, and still feel so very needy? Why can't I be less territorial? I'm awful about my personal space/stuff/emotion and you need to back the hell away from what is MINE. And don't get me started on my mother. Why can I not let my issues with my mother go? I still get seethingly furious when I remember some stuff, and I can't seem to get past it. I feel emotionally stunted. I'm terrified that I'm making some of the same mistakes with my own child that my mother made with me. Some days I think there isn't enough therapy in the world for me...

However, I continue to hear that during the development of this trait two ideas/thoughts got connected in your mind and heart which are not necessarily related or connected to each other. I’ll be blunt because I don’t know how else to put what I keep receiving. Men can’t be depended upon because they are not emotionally present on a consistent basis. The two separate thoughts are that some men can’t be depended upon and some men are not emotionally present on a consistent basis. Putting both together as one belief/thought may be what you have felt but it is not a logical given belief or thought. There is nothing that says you can’t simply keep this belief/thought and there is nothing that requires you to change it.

Changing it would require a willingness to open yourself to heal some feelings from your childhood. If desiring to do so remain very creative on the mental plane in the process. Revisiting feelings must be done creatively so knowing it is simply a VISIT and not moving in with these feelings. The knowledge must be maintained that the VISIT may be stopped at any time and be creative in developing a manner in which you stop the revisiting whenever you want. As an adult you will be quickly able to see what is related to each other and what is not as you revisit your childhood. Give feelings their real names and give ownership of behaviors to the people who should own them.

Here is where I get confused. I obviously have issues with men - I have sworn off them altogether because my choices are so bad. But does it really stem from my childhood? Granted, my father was a nasty drunk; verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. But lots of people can move past their past and have happy lives and successful relationships. My last therapist suggested that I deliberately pick people to be in my life that will disappoint me. (The scary part about that is he and I never even got into my relationships with men.)

I've noticed a pattern that I affectionately dub the stray kitten effect. Subconsciously, I seem to be attracted to men who are broken in some way. I don't know if I need to be needed, or I need to give comfort, or what, but I'm going to start exploring it more thoroughly.

I haven't talked much about my relationships on this blog for many reasons. I'm scared, and it hurts. But as suggested above, maybe this is how I can creatively explore it, purge it, expel the poison, and let it go. Another reason is that I've gotten to know some of you people who read me, and I'm very afraid of how you will feel about me after you've read some of the things that I feel like I have to write. I'm not proud of the way I have behaved in the past, but I've learned from it. Some of my actions were despicable. As much as I can "give feelings their real names and give ownership of behaviors to the people who should own them", I am also going to have to own and acknowledge the things that I have done before I am going to be able to move on.

Care to join me on a journey? If not, that's going to have to be okay, too.